1. Young female celebrities (Taylor Swift and Katy Perry among them) all take a turn dating John Mayer.
IN YOUR LIFE:
Go to a nearby college and crash a house party. See that guy in the corner who’s a little too old to be there? Tell him you really like his hair, lick your lips slowly and make an obscure David Bowie reference — then prepare yourself for the best awkward 18-minute hook-up with someone you’ll never hear from again! [Time Saving Alternative: Do 10 shots of tequila and cry yourself to sleep thinking about the time you flashed that guy you really liked and he called your boob "kind of weird."]
2. Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow don’t sully themselves with unpleasant terms like “divorce.”
IN YOUR LIFE:
Had enough of your lousy job? Don’t storm out: anger is for the unwashed masses. Write an email to your boss — aka your “former peer-paying-super-equal” — and sweetly allude that he’s been engaging in something unsubstantiated (sexual harassment can become “aggressively suggested flirtation,” while embezzlement can be called “corporate monetary redistribution”). Then send that missive to the company-wide distribution address. BOOM. You just “consciously uncoupled” from your job! Also from any future employment prospects, but that’s okay. You’re not “unemployed.” You’re just “enjoying an income-free lifestyle.”
3. When Taylor Swift cut off her hair, she did it in front a live audience of global media who alternately praised and condemned her new look.
IN YOUR LIFE:
Offer to babysit your neighbor’s kids. Tell them you’re going to play a fun game where you put on makeup and they watch. Tell one child she has to make you feel ugly and the other child he has to make you feel beautiful. The winner gets ice cream, and the loser has to do your laundry because you’re a celebrity and celebrities don’t wash their own Swarovski sequined halter tops (and/or Old Navy cardigans).
4. Celebrity couples like Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez keep splitting and getting back together. It’s SO romantic!
IN YOUR LIFE:
Text your douchiest ex and tell him you miss him. Keep in mind he won’t be able to meet you right away, because by now he’s with someone else and he’ll have to make up a lame excuse to get out of the house. By the time you’re making out and he inelegantly honks your boobs again, you’ll remember why you ditched his sorry cheating ass to begin with and send him home. Lather, rinse, repeat.
5. Jenny McCarthy and Kristin Cavallari encourage families to avoid vaccinations, despite consistent scientific studies that prove it to be a communal necessity.
IN YOUR LIFE:
If you base your opinions on discredited pseudo-studies, there’s no reason to worry if you might be hurting anyone else! No matter what job you currently hold, become a petty tyrant and make all of your decisions using the outdated practice of phrenology. Are you a teacher? Decide who passes and fails based on how smart your students’ head shapes are. A fireman? Don’t rescue anyone until you’ve fully explored their skull to make sure they’re an honest, good person. A DMV employee? Driving tests are subjective! As long as there’s not an indent above their ear indicating “destructiveness,” give them a license and set them out on the rest of us!
6. One of the biggest moments in a celebrity’s life is making the “best-dressed” or “worst-dressed” list at the Oscars.
IN YOUR LIFE:
Even though everyone in your world is absolutely judging your outfit all the time, few friends or neighbors have it together enough to publish a list letting you know what everyone’s already thinking. To really get that “everyone’s talking about me” feeling, try for something obtainable, like the sex offender’s registry! One awkward day of flashing your junk in public will make sure everyone’s interested in what you are (or aren’t) wearing.
7. After years of being snubbed, Kim Kardashian finally made the coveted cover of Vogue.
IN YOUR LIFE:
Call that super stylish girl who loves your boyfriend but is always looking you up and down with a slight sneer like you smell of sulphur and shop from dumpsters. Tell her she reminds you of Anna Wintour. Apologize for marring her line of sight with your drugstore lipstick, Payless shoes and man-made fibers. Promise you’ll try harder not to make your boyfriend — and, by association, HER — look so low-rent. Walk down the street with her and let her think the guys driving by are whistling at her bony ass.
8. Alec Baldwin (among other update-happy celebs) has famously gotten himself in trouble for sending out offensive tweets.
IN YOUR LIFE:
You don’t have to be famous to get in trouble with social media! Facebook some drunken selfies. Tweet a few company secrets. YouTube your sister-in-law violating her probation. Do a FourSquare update from a strip-club after you’ve told your office you’re at a client meeting. Before you know it, you’ll be pretending you just wanted privacy all along too.
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The post From Subpar To Superstar In 8 Easy Steps: How You Can Live Like You’re Famous, Without All The Fame appeared first on The Impersonals.
